Notice of charges for receipt of political correspondence

As the general election is coming up, I am putting charges onto all political correspondence that I receive at my house. .

The charges for flyers, letters and pamphlets are:
Conservatives: £250 (£99 surcharge if correspondence is from Michelle Donelan)
Labour: £150
Lib Dem: £77.50p
UKIP: £5
Green Party: £750
Co-operative party: £10.56p

All other parties: £49.99p

If you visit my house, you will be charged the following:

Answering the door:
Conservatives: £99.99
All other parties: £49.99

Listening to what you say, charges per minute and part thereof:
Conservatives: £99.99
Green: £499.99
Labour: £24.99
All other parties £49.99

Telling you to fuck off:
Green: £249.99
Conservatives: £99 (If you are Michelle Donelan there is a £50 extra cost towards my pleasure of telling you to fuck off)
All other parties, free

There will also be a £49.99 surcharge for p&p of the invoice.




It will be assumed that by posting material through my door, or visiting my house, that you have read these terms and have agreed to them.

Invoices will be sent weekly, Payment in full will be required within 7 days.

Facebook Fishkeeping Fanatical fucktards

I noticed out of all the facebook groups and forums I am on, the most vicious are the fishkeepers. I wondered if they realised how silly they sound. So I thought I would change a typical fish forum conversation into one about model trains. . . . . .

OP: “Hello, I was wondering if my 3 plank LMS truck would fit with my rake of 12 GWR 5 plank wagons?”

1: What gauge are you modelling?

2: How big is the running length?

OP: Err, OO Gauge. And about 18 feet.
3: What is the radius if your inner curve?
4: What other rolling stock do you have?
OP: Radius 1 14 inches
1: Lima or Hornby?
2: Or peco?
OP: I have a class 58 with a rake of coal, I have the flying scotsman, I have a BR EMU

4: YOU IDIOT! YOU CAN’T MIX STEAM WITH DIESEL!!!!!
3: The Flying scotsman doesn’t work with a radius 1 curve. You need to have a minimum radius 3
2: What are your track parameters? I think you need to change your track before you do anything else.
OP: I’ve had steam with diesel for years, with no problems.

5: Steam and diesel will fight, and diesel will win. You need a separate layout for the steam.
4: A 40% track change is needed.
2: I change 30% of my track, every week.

4: I do a 50% track change every three days.

6: How high is the layout? Is it near a window?
1: LIMA OR HORNBY!
5: I change 90% of my track every day, and so does my wife!
4: I will take the steam of your hands

OP: Errr. . . . .
7: Does the electric EMU stay in the engine shed a lot?
1: I change 30% of my track every sunday before church.
OP: No, I get it out when the diesel isn’t around.

3: oh dear. You should really re-house the EMU.

OP: But I like the EMU

3. Sorry, it just isn’t compatible with the diesel

4. Or steam.

2: Do you have anything else on the layout?

OP: Well, I have this class 8 shunter

4: SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS. You should be reported to Isambard Kingdom Brunel, you evil person you.

OP: It’s only a shunter. .

4: Only a shunter?!?!?! It should be in the sidings, preparing the rakes for the next engine, not out on the mainline? What are you doing man????
OP: I only came here for advice, I didn’t expect the spanish inquisition. . . .
8: Do a track change. 50% should do it.