Dear Lucozade

Dear Lucozade,

Firstly I would like to say thank you. You have been an important product of my partners life. You see, she is type one diabetic. For over 30 years she has used Lucozade to help keep her sugars in check.

She has tried other fizzy and sugary drinks, but Lucozade is the one that has the best and quickest effect. We go through about 7 bottles a week. Sometimes it is less, other times it can be more. Especially when she is ill.

Over the 30 years this works out at around 10,000 bottles of Lucozade. And at £2 a bottle, it isn't cheap. But then I refuse to look at the price when I consider that it keeps my partner alive.

There is one small problem though.

She cannot stand the taste of it. The orange one is 'tolerable' but the original is vile to her. But she drinks it to keep her sugars in check, as we have not found anything better at this function.

So I ask you, please, is it possible to develop a cherries and berries flavour? Cherries and berries squash is my partners drink of choice. She has it with hot and cold water. If you could develop a cherries and berries Lucozade, that would make her day.

If you read this Lucozade, thank you for your time, and again, thank you for the part you play in keeping my partner alive.

So far in Saltash. . . .

As some of you may know, I moved to Saltash in June. I thought I would share my experiences so far. . . .

Firstly, The area I live in is fantastic. The neighbour across the road, Mike, Introduced me to various other neighbours. I can now say hello to people in the morning as I shuffle around.
I am literally a 5 min walk from the shore. Don't expect a beach though, the path at the bottom of the road leads to an estuary cove. Mostly rocks, but fishable come high tide.

In the holiday season, it is a nightmare to get around. In winter, the drive to Looe is about 20 minutes. In the summer, its nearly an hour. Between July and August, the local main road has at least one accident a day due to the careless grockle's not knowing how to drive in Cornwall. Now autumn is here, I am looking forward to the roads being quiet again.

Looking for work has been troublesome. I applied to a local bus company who advertise every week. But as yet, I have heard nothing. I managed to re-apply last week though, so I am hopefuls that something will come of it.

I also had an interview in early August for a nice little job that would have seen me retire out on it. However, since the interview everyone has been on holiday and last I heard was it would be the 18th of September before I hear anything, if I hear anything.

In the meantime, I have been doing some weekend work at a biomass plant, operating the telehandler with a bucket to feed the station. Its 12 hours a day Saturday and Sunday, but it's not bad money for 2 days work. It isn't permanent, but once I find full time work, I will keep it going for pocket money.

I don't miss Chippenham. It was a shit hole. I miss some of the people I used to work with. Sheppy, Giddy, Mr T and Jim. But the stress of that place was getting me down so I had to move on. I tried explaining my issues with my superiors who dismissed them. I gave up.

I also miss Ben and Mel on Heart Wilts. Still haven't listed to the local one. But used to love tweeting the show in Wilts.

One downside is that the course fishing around here is quite restrictive. There is a fishery up the road called bake Lakes, but fisherys tend to be guaranteed catching. I miss the thrill of walking a canal to find the fish.

Loads of sea fishing though. However, I have only ever caught one fish in all my years sea fishing. I will be hitting the shores more often around here to get some fishing in. I need to do more research on it.

Anyway, bottom line? I love living in Cornwall.

Notice of charges for receipt of political correspondence

As the general election is coming up, I am putting charges onto all political correspondence that I receive at my house. .

The charges for flyers, letters and pamphlets are:
Conservatives: £250 (£99 surcharge if correspondence is from Michelle Donelan)
Labour: £150
Lib Dem: £77.50p
UKIP: £5
Green Party: £750
Co-operative party: £10.56p

All other parties: £49.99p

If you visit my house, you will be charged the following:

Answering the door:
Conservatives: £99.99
All other parties: £49.99

Listening to what you say, charges per minute and part thereof:
Conservatives: £99.99
Green: £499.99
Labour: £24.99
All other parties £49.99

Telling you to fuck off:
Green: £249.99
Conservatives: £99 (If you are Michelle Donelan there is a £50 extra cost towards my pleasure of telling you to fuck off)
All other parties, free

There will also be a £49.99 surcharge for p&p of the invoice.




It will be assumed that by posting material through my door, or visiting my house, that you have read these terms and have agreed to them.

Invoices will be sent weekly, Payment in full will be required within 7 days.

Facebook Fishkeeping Fanatical fucktards

I noticed out of all the facebook groups and forums I am on, the most vicious are the fishkeepers. I wondered if they realised how silly they sound. So I thought I would change a typical fish forum conversation into one about model trains. . . . . .

OP: “Hello, I was wondering if my 3 plank LMS truck would fit with my rake of 12 GWR 5 plank wagons?”

1: What gauge are you modelling?

2: How big is the running length?

OP: Err, OO Gauge. And about 18 feet.
3: What is the radius if your inner curve?
4: What other rolling stock do you have?
OP: Radius 1 14 inches
1: Lima or Hornby?
2: Or peco?
OP: I have a class 58 with a rake of coal, I have the flying scotsman, I have a BR EMU

4: YOU IDIOT! YOU CAN’T MIX STEAM WITH DIESEL!!!!!
3: The Flying scotsman doesn’t work with a radius 1 curve. You need to have a minimum radius 3
2: What are your track parameters? I think you need to change your track before you do anything else.
OP: I’ve had steam with diesel for years, with no problems.

5: Steam and diesel will fight, and diesel will win. You need a separate layout for the steam.
4: A 40% track change is needed.
2: I change 30% of my track, every week.

4: I do a 50% track change every three days.

6: How high is the layout? Is it near a window?
1: LIMA OR HORNBY!
5: I change 90% of my track every day, and so does my wife!
4: I will take the steam of your hands

OP: Errr. . . . .
7: Does the electric EMU stay in the engine shed a lot?
1: I change 30% of my track every sunday before church.
OP: No, I get it out when the diesel isn’t around.

3: oh dear. You should really re-house the EMU.

OP: But I like the EMU

3. Sorry, it just isn’t compatible with the diesel

4. Or steam.

2: Do you have anything else on the layout?

OP: Well, I have this class 8 shunter

4: SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS. You should be reported to Isambard Kingdom Brunel, you evil person you.

OP: It’s only a shunter. .

4: Only a shunter?!?!?! It should be in the sidings, preparing the rakes for the next engine, not out on the mainline? What are you doing man????
OP: I only came here for advice, I didn’t expect the spanish inquisition. . . .
8: Do a track change. 50% should do it.

Brexit

Yes, Brexit.
That dirty little B word that seems to be the route of sighs, and the bain of the rich everywhere.

There are people in parliment, and the house of lords, that really don't want Brexit because of the economy.

The economy.

Fuck the economy. That is not the reason I, or many others, voted Brexit.

I voted Brexit because I am pissed off to the back teeth of walking around town, and hundreds of people not speaking English.
I am pissed off with how easy the government hands out houses to immigrants, yet it is impossible for anyone to get a mortgage noways.
I am pissed off with people claiming asylum here, getting upwards of £30k in benefits for families that aren't in this country.
I voted Brexit to close our borders.

Fuck the economy.
Infact, if we get rid of all immigrants both legal and illegal that arrived here in the past 5 years, the government would have a surplus of cash because they aren't paying out as much to the fucking immigrants.

I am actually scared of the country's future.
All of these immigrants are allowed to vote. If we don't vote UKip in the next election, then immigrants will outnumber natives by the following one, and we wont have a fucking chance of reclaiming Britain for the British.

Please, just get Brexit underway, so we can be British again.

Close the fucking borders.

Chicken and Egg question.

This popped up in my head, recently. And I am interested in knowing people's opinions.

Do you have to be a bellend to buy and Audi, or does buying an Audi turn you into a belend?

Answers in comments, please. Share and pass it on. This is an important subject that needs many opinions.

Chippenham Pizza Hut

So after an exhausting day involving Christmas shopping, and visiting my ill father in hospital, my partner and I decided that we were not going to cook this evening.

After a purely scientific decision (coin toss) we decided to visit Pizza Hut in Bath road, Chippenham.
We got there and found a half full establishment. After a reasonable wait, we were chaperoned to a table in a very busy corner, where my partner had to move the table to get behind it, and I had to put my chair off to one side so I did not interfere with the customers eating on the table behind me.

After deciding on what we wanted to eat, the waitress came and sat on the table beside us, to take our order. After telling her I wanted a stuffed crust, I was told we are out of stuffed crust. I switched to another crust, and carried on with our order. We also decided on a unlimited drinks, and we were offered the free salad bar.

Upon getting to the bar, we found that there were 10 containers missing, and the remaining containers were either empty or as near as dammit empty. (Apart from sweetcorn, but no one eats that shit anyway).

In disgust, I replaced my bowl and retreated to the drinks machine where I eventually found a clean glass, and put it under the tap. All the flavours were out of stock except the vanilla (Again, who drinks that shit?) So I opted for a straight Pepsi Max. And all I got was fizzy brown water. There was no flavour syrup in it at all.

In disgust, Mrs Clunk went to complain and asked for the manager. The waitress that seated us went to find the manager, then came back asking us what the problem was. She explained briefly, then went off to get the manager who eventually appeared. When we voiced our disgust at the available service, we were met with a blank stare, and a careless attitude, with a pathetic half arsed attempt at an apology that lacked any form of sincerity (I must question if she is human). In disgust, we cancelled our order and went elsewhere.

After previously eating here and being happy with the service, it was somewhat of a shock to find it in such a poorly managed state. the salad bar wasn't 'just' empty, it had been empty for some time. The cordial machine had been empty a while, judging by the amount of half full glasses surrounding it. I don't think myself or Mrs Clunk will be returning anytime soon.

But a big thank you to Lee's Chippy in Redlands who provided us with the service we required.