Notice of charges for receipt of political correspondence

As the general election is coming up, I am putting charges onto all political correspondence that I receive at my house. .

The charges for flyers, letters and pamphlets are:
Conservatives: £250 (£99 surcharge if correspondence is from Michelle Donelan)
Labour: £150
Lib Dem: £77.50p
UKIP: £5
Green Party: £750
Co-operative party: £10.56p

All other parties: £49.99p

If you visit my house, you will be charged the following:

Answering the door:
Conservatives: £99.99
All other parties: £49.99

Listening to what you say, charges per minute and part thereof:
Conservatives: £99.99
Green: £499.99
Labour: £24.99
All other parties £49.99

Telling you to fuck off:
Green: £249.99
Conservatives: £99 (If you are Michelle Donelan there is a £50 extra cost towards my pleasure of telling you to fuck off)
All other parties, free

There will also be a £49.99 surcharge for p&p of the invoice.




It will be assumed that by posting material through my door, or visiting my house, that you have read these terms and have agreed to them.

Invoices will be sent weekly, Payment in full will be required within 7 days.

Facebook Fishkeeping Fanatical fucktards

I noticed out of all the facebook groups and forums I am on, the most vicious are the fishkeepers. I wondered if they realised how silly they sound. So I thought I would change a typical fish forum conversation into one about model trains. . . . . .

OP: “Hello, I was wondering if my 3 plank LMS truck would fit with my rake of 12 GWR 5 plank wagons?”

1: What gauge are you modelling?

2: How big is the running length?

OP: Err, OO Gauge. And about 18 feet.
3: What is the radius if your inner curve?
4: What other rolling stock do you have?
OP: Radius 1 14 inches
1: Lima or Hornby?
2: Or peco?
OP: I have a class 58 with a rake of coal, I have the flying scotsman, I have a BR EMU

4: YOU IDIOT! YOU CAN’T MIX STEAM WITH DIESEL!!!!!
3: The Flying scotsman doesn’t work with a radius 1 curve. You need to have a minimum radius 3
2: What are your track parameters? I think you need to change your track before you do anything else.
OP: I’ve had steam with diesel for years, with no problems.

5: Steam and diesel will fight, and diesel will win. You need a separate layout for the steam.
4: A 40% track change is needed.
2: I change 30% of my track, every week.

4: I do a 50% track change every three days.

6: How high is the layout? Is it near a window?
1: LIMA OR HORNBY!
5: I change 90% of my track every day, and so does my wife!
4: I will take the steam of your hands

OP: Errr. . . . .
7: Does the electric EMU stay in the engine shed a lot?
1: I change 30% of my track every sunday before church.
OP: No, I get it out when the diesel isn’t around.

3: oh dear. You should really re-house the EMU.

OP: But I like the EMU

3. Sorry, it just isn’t compatible with the diesel

4. Or steam.

2: Do you have anything else on the layout?

OP: Well, I have this class 8 shunter

4: SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS. You should be reported to Isambard Kingdom Brunel, you evil person you.

OP: It’s only a shunter. .

4: Only a shunter?!?!?! It should be in the sidings, preparing the rakes for the next engine, not out on the mainline? What are you doing man????
OP: I only came here for advice, I didn’t expect the spanish inquisition. . . .
8: Do a track change. 50% should do it.

Brexit

Yes, Brexit.
That dirty little B word that seems to be the route of sighs, and the bain of the rich everywhere.

There are people in parliment, and the house of lords, that really don't want Brexit because of the economy.

The economy.

Fuck the economy. That is not the reason I, or many others, voted Brexit.

I voted Brexit because I am pissed off to the back teeth of walking around town, and hundreds of people not speaking English.
I am pissed off with how easy the government hands out houses to immigrants, yet it is impossible for anyone to get a mortgage noways.
I am pissed off with people claiming asylum here, getting upwards of £30k in benefits for families that aren't in this country.
I voted Brexit to close our borders.

Fuck the economy.
Infact, if we get rid of all immigrants both legal and illegal that arrived here in the past 5 years, the government would have a surplus of cash because they aren't paying out as much to the fucking immigrants.

I am actually scared of the country's future.
All of these immigrants are allowed to vote. If we don't vote UKip in the next election, then immigrants will outnumber natives by the following one, and we wont have a fucking chance of reclaiming Britain for the British.

Please, just get Brexit underway, so we can be British again.

Close the fucking borders.

Chicken and Egg question.

This popped up in my head, recently. And I am interested in knowing people's opinions.

Do you have to be a bellend to buy and Audi, or does buying an Audi turn you into a belend?

Answers in comments, please. Share and pass it on. This is an important subject that needs many opinions.

Chippenham Pizza Hut

So after an exhausting day involving Christmas shopping, and visiting my ill father in hospital, my partner and I decided that we were not going to cook this evening.

After a purely scientific decision (coin toss) we decided to visit Pizza Hut in Bath road, Chippenham.
We got there and found a half full establishment. After a reasonable wait, we were chaperoned to a table in a very busy corner, where my partner had to move the table to get behind it, and I had to put my chair off to one side so I did not interfere with the customers eating on the table behind me.

After deciding on what we wanted to eat, the waitress came and sat on the table beside us, to take our order. After telling her I wanted a stuffed crust, I was told we are out of stuffed crust. I switched to another crust, and carried on with our order. We also decided on a unlimited drinks, and we were offered the free salad bar.

Upon getting to the bar, we found that there were 10 containers missing, and the remaining containers were either empty or as near as dammit empty. (Apart from sweetcorn, but no one eats that shit anyway).

In disgust, I replaced my bowl and retreated to the drinks machine where I eventually found a clean glass, and put it under the tap. All the flavours were out of stock except the vanilla (Again, who drinks that shit?) So I opted for a straight Pepsi Max. And all I got was fizzy brown water. There was no flavour syrup in it at all.

In disgust, Mrs Clunk went to complain and asked for the manager. The waitress that seated us went to find the manager, then came back asking us what the problem was. She explained briefly, then went off to get the manager who eventually appeared. When we voiced our disgust at the available service, we were met with a blank stare, and a careless attitude, with a pathetic half arsed attempt at an apology that lacked any form of sincerity (I must question if she is human). In disgust, we cancelled our order and went elsewhere.

After previously eating here and being happy with the service, it was somewhat of a shock to find it in such a poorly managed state. the salad bar wasn't 'just' empty, it had been empty for some time. The cordial machine had been empty a while, judging by the amount of half full glasses surrounding it. I don't think myself or Mrs Clunk will be returning anytime soon.

But a big thank you to Lee's Chippy in Redlands who provided us with the service we required.

Bank Street Burger bar. Newquay. (Review)

Bank Street website.

Before I went to Newquay with my partner, I was promised a visit here. "the best burger you will ever have" I was promised.
So on Wednesday, we went in to take advantage of the 2 for £10 offer they had.
Upon entry, I was quite surprised to find all the staff appeared to be under 25. Including what appeared to be the manager. Although I appreciate that young staff is not unusual nowadays, it is still odd when you see no obvious staff over 25.
We were seated at a table, and my partner obviously felt uncomfortable with her seat as for the first time ever, she asked me to have her handbag my side of the table as I was against the wall. Looking around at the other customer, it appeared he had been in all day drinking the bar dry. And there was no distinguishing between the staff and customers. The staff wore black, but it appeared to be whatever they had that was black-ish, rather than a uniform.
We had our order taken, and I took in the bar. I would of spoken to my partner, but the music was so fucking loud, I couldn't hear myself speak, yet alone what my partner was saying across the table from me.
After a half hour wait, someone, (I assume to be staff0, muttered something to my partner which she had to ask him to repeat several times due to the indefatigable booms from whatever dreary track was playing at the time. Apparently what was said was someones order taken after ours was prepared before ours, and as such, the drinks were on the house. 5 minutes later, another pre-pubescent lad, who I assume was the manager due to everyone asking him questions, came over and informed us that due to the cock up and the prolonged wait, that the food would be on the house. 20 seconds later, the food was put in front of us.

Now, I cannot tell a lie, the food was awesome. The burger was obviously fresh, the sauces were gorgeous, the fries were perfect, and the onion rings divine.

After eating, we asked for the bill, and was given the bill with no obvious deductions on it. When we enquired, we were told that the food wasn't prepared out of turn, it was prepared simultaneously. Therefore there will be no deductions. So we paid and left.

Bottom line.
Food was awesome.
Staff lacked structure and communication.
I would recommend the food, but would warn of the service.

Martha's Tea Rooms, Newquay (review)

Martha's Tea Room's, Newquay

Myself and my partner went in here as we were determined to have a cream tea whilst on holiday in Cornwall.
Walked in, and it was busy. 2 tables with one chair each, so we sat at one, and grabbed a chair from the other.
We ordered our cream teas, and did not have to wait long. The tea came first, hot, and with a local blend tea bag in each pot. Ample milk was given. Although there was a lack of sugar on the table, and I resorted to brown sugar for the last cup of tea from the pot (You get three good cups per pot)
The scones arrived, and we again were not disappointed. They were warm, and so very light. They would melt on the tongue. The cream was very nice, and quite a firm consistency. I was scowled at for making the scone the Devon way ( I am from Devon) with the cream first then the jam.
Anyway, these are the best cream teas we have ever had.
The savoury cream tea on the menu caught our eye, so we decided to go back later in the week to try them.
Again, we were not disappointed. The savoury cream tea was cheese scones, with cream cheese and onion chutney. Again, the scones were light, and delicious. Although myself and my partner both agreed that the sweet scones we had on the previous visit was a lot nicer.
We also had some home made cake whilst there. Again, these were gorgeous.

The only negative thing I would say about the place, is the lack of seating space. It is a small place and fills up quickly. If they had more tables, they would do a lot more business.

All in all, I would highly recommend visiting Martha's tea rooms.